I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
You Might Also Like
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
fly smarter, not harder
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it