“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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The news is so predictable nowadays
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?