Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I hate when that happens.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.