If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.