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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
when someone rings the doorbell
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.