Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If only.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.