[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
all that yoga finally paid off
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Bed should get ready for ME