kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.