[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
opening twitter today
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??