I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.