Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.