the official breakfast of 2021
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.