Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
new record!
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
#polloftheday
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
so this horse walks into a bar
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*