Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.