My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.