doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
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angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.