Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I have a black belt in leather
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”