Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
no such thing as a dumb question
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.