Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You Might Also Like
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Dance like you’re not the father
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives