I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı