This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.