If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.