Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Smile they said.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]