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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”