They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?