“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.