is it earth
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.