I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[eulogy]
line?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days