Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
5 ways to appear taller
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?