Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours