LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You Might Also Like
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Today’s Times
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.