Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown