I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog