The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.