TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
❤️❤️❤️
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too