If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Nomnomnomnom
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I would move hell over six inches for you
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…