I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife