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I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Order here:
More here:
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My dress code is business-casualty.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My neck, my back, my…
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.