Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Good morning.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Catercrombie & Fish
Cause of death: Zumba
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this