Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Spring of Deception
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
The dark side of Canada
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
all bases covered
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again