Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.