if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.