One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.