What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Legend 🤣🤣
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.