5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there