Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How does one answer this?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way