Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired