boat question
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The Compass
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: