The Punning Dead.
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.