My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Breaking news:
#CatsOnTwitter
Just why bro?!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”